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Batteries Not Included

18 November 2008

Imagine finding the exact second-hand car you want to buy and making the arrangements with the vendors to go and collect it from their rural Norfolk farm one Sunday morning. You arrive, check it over, exchange cash/bankers draft with the current owners, and then jump into the seat of your new ride to start the ignition – only to discover the tank is running on empty. The nearest petrol station that's open on a Sunday is 15 miles away in Fakenham and there's no guarantee that you'll make it. (The offer of red diesel from the farmer is unhelpful obviously). What do you do? You can enter into an argument but the farmer will retort with the phrase "sold as seen" and you will kick yourself for not asking the obvious. Thank goodness for your breakdown cover. Oops, foiled again.

Needless to say, being given Christmas presents that require batteries when you don't have any in the house, and there are none to be bought on Christmas Day (that's assuming anyone would offer to venture out and risk returning to a mass pilfering of the port and stilton and the opening sequences of the Harry Potter film) is frustrating in the extreme. You can't enjoy the gift, let alone check how it works. And if you have children, expect the onslaught of tantrums if one of the Christmas presents they have opened requires batteries but none have been supplied and you don't have any. Children want to play with their new Christmas presents right now and the excuse of "sorry darling, wait till tomorrow and we'll buy some from a garage" just won't wash. (Although a chocolate Santa bribe might do the trick in the short-term.)

Some Christmas presents that are operated by batteries will supply them ready to use – and these are the best option from a practical point of view, although it is worth checking that the batteries are replaceable if they run down. If you decide to purchase Christmas presents that require batteries and it is clear from the packaging that they are not included, it is advisable to purchase the correct type and number required and wrap them with the item. This way all that will be necessary to complete the job is a screwdriver, and you can reasonably expect most households to locate one of those. You might not be terribly popular for a while – especially if the present is for a child. Batteries need replacing, again and again, and the younger the child the more forgetful they are at turning off the toy before moving on to the next item of interest - usually within 6.8 seconds - so batteries will run low in a matter of hours. You can't be expected to provide an annual supply of batteries but it might influence your choice of Christmas presents with this information in mind. Furthermore, the smaller the batteries, the less the cost will be in replacing them. AA and AAA are the more popular – but small is also lacking in power and so these will run down much quicker than the larger sizes. One last note on this subject – avoid taking the Christmas presents out of their original packaging and inserting the batteries ready for use. If they are faulty or unwanted, it will be almost impossible for the recipient to return them, so your goodwill could backfire.

The best tip is to let the parents get the battery operated toys then it is all their own doing! Given these belt-tightening times, the cost of batteries is just another expense so be innovative with your Christmas presents and buy some really novel items that don't need batteries. For the kids who like to play tricks (seriously, are there any who don't?) this year's must have Airzooka gives a powerful air blast simply using hand-created air pressure. Expect some bad hair around the house. Re-educate hapless Aunty Caroline in a less harmful method of removing spiders from the nooks and crannies of her house with the battery-free spider catcher, and encourage your brother-in-law to mentally overcome his disputes with his boss with the Control-A-Boss remote, which simply requires ESP and good luck.

There are of course other providers of power apart from batteries. A personal computer for instance is a fantastic alternative source of power and the office worker who always seems to be too busy to drink his coffee will appreciate the coffee cup warmer- powered by his pc using a USB cable. There are also other fun computer add-ons such as USB-connected Beetle memory sticks, finger dance pads and a calm-inducing glitter rocket that make unique – and battery-free- Christmas presents, that will undoubtedly be hugely appreciated.



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